It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
You Might Also Like
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.