It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
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[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.