It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
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Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
#NoRestForTheWicked
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
Are you ok, human???
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.