I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
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Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
My new favorite headline
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.