[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
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Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.