@apok842

It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.

It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.

- @apok842

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@badbanana

Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.

@LurkAtHomeMom

I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”

@InternetHippo

Murderer: I want to kill you
Me: No I’m against that
Politician who’s above partisan rancor: This is stressing me out, could you guys put your differences aside and come together…for our country,

@Tmoney68

My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.

@8bitbulbasaur

date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex

[later]

me: *yelling* avada kedavra

@Tayyxb

David Cameron: “In some parts of Britain there are three generations of families where nobody has ever worked.”

Buckingham Palace?

@neerjagurnani

Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.

@andrewdrafts

If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?