@LOLGOP

It was Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve! – someone who believes in talking snakes

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@goldengateblond

Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”

@ObscureGent

Marijuana is a dangerous drug. My uncle once got so high that he thought it was OK to explain the musical history of Santana and the Grateful Dead.

@GrantTanaka

*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO

@thenatewolf

Wife: how was the doctor?

Me: bad I’m dying

Wife: I know, how was the doctor?

@TheBoydP

All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…

@WheelTod

Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before

@brynnester

As I get older and I remember all the people I’ve lost along the way I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me

@bengulate

My signature move is falling in love with a beautiful girl, then giving her really good advice on how to date someone else.

@iMonkGreen

I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.

Now I have a swimming pool.