Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
It was Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve! – someone who believes in talking snakes
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Don’t tell me what to do.
Marijuana is a dangerous drug. My uncle once got so high that he thought it was OK to explain the musical history of Santana and the Grateful Dead.
*throws flashlight at him
Wife: how was the doctor?
Me: bad I’m dying
Wife: I know, how was the doctor?
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
As I get older and I remember all the people I’ve lost along the way I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me
My signature move is falling in love with a beautiful girl, then giving her really good advice on how to date someone else.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.