Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
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My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
why I oughta
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!