Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
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RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Oh, I bet you would be
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.