It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
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Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.