ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
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9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
9: you gonna cook it?
9: I love you
Me: I know
*Works out on rowing machine
*Breaks rowing machine
*Doesn’t know own strength
*Buys Doritos to celebrate
*Can’t open bag
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
She: We are having my mother For dinner tonight?
Me: But darling i’m a vegetarian. . how can i eat her?
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”
ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?