I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
You Might Also Like
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Am I having a stroke?
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
repaired
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.