Me: [travelling in space]
[Text from Karen]: Can you bring some star fish
It was awkward to see the “World’s Greatest Driver” bumper sticker on my car when it got pulled out of the lake today.
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Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
[Bedroom at midnight]
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
Driving back from funeral yesterday:
Stairway To Heaven
Tears In Heaven
Highway To Hell
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]