@dksc4life

It was awkward to see the “World’s Greatest Driver” bumper sticker on my car when it got pulled out of the lake today.

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@Jerrypleasure

Me: [travelling in space]

[Text from Karen]: Can you bring some star fish

@WilliamAder

Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.

@sheekaxo

Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.

@ChicksRule

[Bedroom at midnight]

*scary noises*

Husband: is… is someone in here?

*demonic sounds from the closet*

Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore

*sad demonic noises*

@Shock_Monster

Driving back from funeral yesterday:

Stairway To Heaven
*click*

Tears In Heaven
*click*

Highway To Hell
*click*

Macarena!
*leaves it*

@Moldy_Jellybean

My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.

@angelunatic_

Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date

Wrong

We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable

@dvntownsend

I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.

And a Czech one too.

@Cravin4

Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.

@murrman5

[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]