Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
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It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
Still my favourite meme.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday