It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
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My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.