@meganamram

It was definitely Adam and Steve – what kind of straight man hangs out in a garden??

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@HomeWithPeanut

Her: I’m pregnant!

Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.

Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-

Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!

@dimplesticks

I told my kid he mustn’t use the word ‘hate’ as it’s hurtful and mean and then I made absolutely sure he apologised to the cheese

@loserIex

ikea worker 1: ok i say we name it “stay in stool” haha like school haha cuz it’s a stool
ikea worker 2: nice try but we r naming it üdëkæb

@

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@KentWGraham

COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.

ME: Hammocking is better than both.

@Sean_Burgundy_

My 40 yard dash time: 5.5

My 40 yard dash time after seeing my gf with my phone in her hands: 4.3

@thenatewolf

*holding my crying child*

Me: I know, earthquakes are scary. So maybe next time you’ll be good and I won’t have to make that happen again.

@AimeeHelene1

DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!

(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)

@MUMSIEesq

SECURITY GUARD: You can’t bring open containers of alcohol in here.

ME: This is a service beer.

@CauseWereGuys

My roommate is 3 days younger than me so ive gotten in the habit of saying “when i was your age..” and then describing what i did 3 days ago