It was definitely Adam and Steve – what kind of straight man hangs out in a garden??

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Her: I’m pregnant!

Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.

Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-

Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!


I told my kid he mustn’t use the word ‘hate’ as it’s hurtful and mean and then I made absolutely sure he apologised to the cheese


ikea worker 1: ok i say we name it “stay in stool” haha like school haha cuz it’s a stool
ikea worker 2: nice try but we r naming it üdëkæb


a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:11:”OutrageousM”;s:5:”image”;s:62:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/1646997728/image_bigger.jpg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”218726600659845120″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”131″;s:5:”tweet”;s:87:”Somewhere in a parallel universe a small toe is beating the shit out of a coffee table.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:2;}


COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.

ME: Hammocking is better than both.


My 40 yard dash time: 5.5

My 40 yard dash time after seeing my gf with my phone in her hands: 4.3


*holding my crying child*

Me: I know, earthquakes are scary. So maybe next time you’ll be good and I won’t have to make that happen again.



(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)


SECURITY GUARD: You can’t bring open containers of alcohol in here.

ME: This is a service beer.


My roommate is 3 days younger than me so ive gotten in the habit of saying “when i was your age..” and then describing what i did 3 days ago