It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
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My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life