It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
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@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
😂💯
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.