@InternetHippo

It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft

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@UncleDuke1969

ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.

@WilliamAder

Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.

@AmericanGent69

Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy

@myonlymizztake

Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.

@HenpeckedHal

Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”

@PetrickSara

The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”

@MartaEffing

When my date told me he was a ‘culinary genius’, I replied, ‘Then this Brazilian won’t go to waste!’, and winked.

Now we wait.

@DrakeGatsby

me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.

them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”

@Robert_Beau

So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.

@KenJennings

Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”