it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
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Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
giddy up Office Depot
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
What flavor cupcake are these
This took me a second..
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.