“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist

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There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.


I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.


What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?

I’m that


SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.


Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.


Overheard on the bus:

“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”


It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.

If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.


Hacked again! Sometimes I wish I never grew up on 12,345,678th Street with a dog named Password.


*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*

There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.


[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]

Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh