@lianamaeby

“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist

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@TheAlexNevil

There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.

@JB4Realz

I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.

@TheBoydP

What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?

I’m that

@WritePlay

SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.

@DranoRaul

Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.

@philboringphil

Overheard on the bus:

“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”

@SladeWentworth

It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.

If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.

@ewfeez

Hacked again! Sometimes I wish I never grew up on 12,345,678th Street with a dog named Password.

@HaliPhacks

*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*

There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.

@AnOrangeSNES

[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]

Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh