“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
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M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.