It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
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MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Ovenable?
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.