@dvidsilva

It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale

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@QuavoSenpai

ATMs be having $4 withdrawal fees talking about “cover your pin” mf you the thief🙄😂

@david8hughes

[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no

@DavidAdt1

Cashier: That will be $82.07.

Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.

Cashier: That will be $82.03.

@hero_ofthenight

When the KFC chicken grease starts haunting your arteries its called Poultry Geist.

@TheWeirdWorld

I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.

@DothTheDoth

If you’re walking by an abandoned bookstore & the front door opens for no reason, go into that bookstore.

@Vodkantots

*walks into shrink’s office with a giant jar of marbles

I FOUND THEM!!

@TheAndrewNadeau

HIM: And a trillion dollars.

GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.

HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.

GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?

HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.

GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.

@HepatitisAtoZ

[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]

Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”

me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”

@markedly

Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?