@dvidsilva

It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale

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@NinjaFuneral

Someone outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I feel like it would take longer than that…

@chuuew

I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.

@realHamOnWry

I wrote 2793 tweets in advance. So if I die tomorrow, you won’t know until 2018.

@Sickayduh

[Titanic]
Steward: Lifeboats are assigned by your star sign.
Aries, this boat. Virgo, that boat-

“What about Leo?”

Steward: No. Leo dies.

@McGrumpenstein

Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.

@reesespiece_

Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you

@david8hughes

The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”

@Paige__xxx

Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?

@GirlPetunia

Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..