It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale

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Someone outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I feel like it would take longer than that…


I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.


I wrote 2793 tweets in advance. So if I die tomorrow, you won’t know until 2018.


Steward: Lifeboats are assigned by your star sign.
Aries, this boat. Virgo, that boat-

“What about Leo?”

Steward: No. Leo dies.


Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.


Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you


The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”


Me: tries to sleep
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?


Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..