My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
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GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
ME: *realises I’ve just stepped on an ant* oh no
JOHN WICK: Has anyone seen my pet ant?
ME: OH NO
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
I’m “whenever my mother calls, I think it’s because someone’s dead” years old.
Somebody once told me in the middle of a huge machine gun battle that I always emphasize the boring parts of anecdotes, which made me sad.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Axl: Where do we go now?
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!