It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.

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My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.


GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.


Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?


ME: *realises I’ve just stepped on an ant* oh no

JOHN WICK: Has anyone seen my pet ant?



If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.


[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”


I’m “whenever my mother calls, I think it’s because someone’s dead” years old.


Somebody once told me in the middle of a huge machine gun battle that I always emphasize the boring parts of anecdotes, which made me sad.


Axl Rose: Where do we go?

Me: Left

Axl: Where do we go now?

Me: Straight.

Axl: Oh, where do we go now?

Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!