It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
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So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15