It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
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ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
I’m going to need a moment here.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.