It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
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While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
need him
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe