@Marlebean

It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.

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@patnspankme

The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.

@RidiculousSheri

You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.

You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.

Anyway, I lost an eye today.

@TheBoydP

STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!

We will we will drink you

STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!

*pours vodka after bad day*

@UnFitz

Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.

Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?

@Phook75

“You’ll be visited by 3 ghosts.”

“Will they show me the true spirit of Christmas?”

“No, they’ll try to eat you.”

Pac-Man Christmas Carol

@SwedishCanary

When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.

@KyleMcDowell86

[commercial for mops]

*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*

“There has to be a better way”

Narrator:MOPS

@Oh_God_Why_Me

Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.

@panmidwest

ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…

GOD: [creates dog]

ANGEL: …and for how they actually do

GOD: [creates cat]