There’s been a rash of break ins recently involving teenage boys, so I switched out all the locks in my home with bra clasps.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
You Might Also Like
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
doctor: oh right
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
1969: i bet in 50 yrs, we’ll have a colony on Mars, & flying cars.