It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
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Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
These aliens are taking forever.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad