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It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
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Him: I just want a stable relationship.
Me: Yeah, horses are cool.
Flirting is hard, you guys.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
*camera pans to a pair of sneakers hanging over a power line*
*Sean Connery takes a long drag of his cigarette*
“It was a… shoeishide”
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious