@GrillinChillin9

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

-Me with beer, me without beer

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@_itspat_

There’s been a rash of break ins recently involving teenage boys, so I switched out all the locks in my home with bra clasps.

@Darlainky

Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.

@Shen_the_Bird

doctor: you’re completely blind

me: what are you saying

doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf

me: what

doctor: oh right

@lisaxy424

*makes plans with someone*

(30 seconds later) what have I done

@PopeAwesomeXIII

Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.

@JediGigi

[points at crying baby]

I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.

@MIKhanX

I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill

@TurboJellyBean

Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”

@secondofhername

Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.

@DitzMcGeee

1969: i bet in 50 yrs, we’ll have a colony on Mars, & flying cars.

2019: