It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

-Me with beer, me without beer

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There’s been a rash of break ins recently involving teenage boys, so I switched out all the locks in my home with bra clasps.


Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.


doctor: you’re completely blind

me: what are you saying

doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf

me: what

doctor: oh right


*makes plans with someone*

(30 seconds later) what have I done


Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.


[points at crying baby]

I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.


I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill


Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”


Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.


1969: i bet in 50 yrs, we’ll have a colony on Mars, & flying cars.