It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
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We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.