Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
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My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.