it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
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[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
You can’t rush stupid.