it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
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GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.