it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
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[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.