“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
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Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
channeling her this year
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee