It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
You Might Also Like
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go