It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
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How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
🦝🔥🦝🔥
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it