It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
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Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
All. The. Damn. Time.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
#Caturday
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?