*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*sleeps 9 more minutes
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
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If your wife asks what would you do without me?
ENJOY MY LIFE is not the correct answer
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
How to pick up a woman at Walmart.
Very slowly and team lift with your legs.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
ME: [at a party] hey! wanna come back to my place and-
GIRL: hook up? sure!
ME: [sadly putting away two Yu-Gi-Oh! decks] oh. awesome
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?