@Donna_McCoy

It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.

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@EtobicokeErnie

If your wife asks what would you do without me?

ENJOY MY LIFE is not the correct answer

@GFGander

Sucks when good bands have dumb names.

“What are you listening to?”

“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”

“…”

@ericsshadow

When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.

@CruisinSoozan

If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.

@thatUPSdude

How to pick up a woman at Walmart.

Very slowly and team lift with your legs.

@SJKSalisbury

The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.

@trentistweeting

ME: [at a party] hey! wanna come back to my place and-
GIRL: hook up? sure!
ME: [sadly putting away two Yu-Gi-Oh! decks] oh. awesome

@TimBarnes451

So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?