“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.

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6 to his brother: Hey man, all I want is some oatmeal and a nap.

It’s a joy raising an 80 year old man.


Ladies, if he leaves the stickers on his hat, that’s his way of telling you he won’t pay child support.


My wife tried to apply at the post office but they wouldn’t letter. They said only mails work here.


I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.


Me: wow your hands are so soft
Murderer: omg really
Me: [caresses his hands] what moisturizer do you use


Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar


STEVE: “Wanna go star gazing tonight?”

ME: “What is that? Like a sci fi movie?”

S: “No we watch stars.”

M: “Wars or Trek?”


All my romantic tweets are just stuff the bum outside my building yells at me as I walk into work