“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
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One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Somewhere in an alternate universe
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
IT’S-A ME,
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying