@TheFaceOfDave

“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.

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@HiddleDeeDee

6 to his brother: Hey man, all I want is some oatmeal and a nap.

It’s a joy raising an 80 year old man.

@TheMichaelRock

Ladies, if he leaves the stickers on his hat, that’s his way of telling you he won’t pay child support.

@omgthatspunny

My wife tried to apply at the post office but they wouldn’t letter. They said only mails work here.

@2tickytacky

I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.

@LaziestCanine

Murderer: IM GOING TO STRANGLE YOU
Me: wow your hands are so soft
Murderer: omg really
Me: [caresses his hands] what moisturizer do you use

@AnOrangeSNES

Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar

@JumbledButts

STEVE: “Wanna go star gazing tonight?”

ME: “What is that? Like a sci fi movie?”

S: “No we watch stars.”

M: “Wars or Trek?”

@DvuslyMarvelous

All my romantic tweets are just stuff the bum outside my building yells at me as I walk into work