YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
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As a child I fought naps
Dr: [at couples counselling]I meant, what regrets do you have with your relationship
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
*puts on satin, full length pajamas for men, slips into bed* yes… time to text some girls the word ‘hey’ and only the word ‘hey’
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms