@TheBoydP

It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…

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@Molly_Kats

YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.

@deankarrier

As a child I fought naps
Dr: [at couples counselling]I meant, what regrets do you have with your relationship

@jonnysun

its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad

@ramblinma

I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.

@Darlainky

Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…

Him: Don’t do this.

Me: I didn’t make the cut.

Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.

@IamEveryDayPpl

I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.

@KylePlantEmoji

Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?

@bransonbranson

*puts on satin, full length pajamas for men, slips into bed* yes… time to text some girls the word ‘hey’ and only the word ‘hey’

@bacon_gillepic

What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms