It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
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*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
live, laugh, laundry.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.