It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
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Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug