It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
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Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter