@CVTBaby

It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.

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@chuuew

[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?

@RyanofAvalon

Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”

I’d rather you didgerididn’t.

@PellMull

I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.

“Ok what do we got here?”

@MsFoxIfUrNasty

There are so many songs that tell us how to breathe. It’s like musicians and songwriters have never heard of the autonomic nervous system.

@JohnFugelsang

Somewhere in Heaven…
Abraham Lincoln: The ppl who claim to be my followers just totally misquoted me.
Jesus: You don’t say.

@LurkAtHomeMom

My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.

@jnapsalot

Guys, if my husband asks any of you, emotional support shoes are a thing ok?

@austen_420

Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time