@CVTBaby

It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.

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@Monicake0128

The problem with speaking the truth is..

..you assume others do too

@Tmoney68

I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.

@Social_Mime

Cellphone battery in 2017 – 2.5 hours
Radio battery on Gilligan’s Island in the 1960’s – 3 years

@prufrockluvsong

ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.

DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.

ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.

@SondraDeeMe

[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide

@Izianikapani

Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.

Sachets away.

@MorticiaKate

Therapist: What brings you here today?

Me: I’m a middle child.

Therapist: I see, classi..

Me: In between two sets of twins.

Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.

@JJSummertime

Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*

@G_Faylor

[trying to check out girl at grocery store]
cashier: please take her off the conveyor belt