It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
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The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Happy Star Wars day!
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
Ok, but like, how married are you?
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
The Punning Dead.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.