It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
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What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.