Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
You Might Also Like
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed