The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
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It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
getting groceries
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
My favorite female superhero
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen