It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
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Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
do horses think humans are hats
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice