It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
You Might Also Like
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
The news in a nutshell.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting