It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
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DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.