It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.

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ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no


The worst part about killing baby hitler is when you come back and everyone says “who?” but you still killed a baby.


[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?


*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost

[He gets lost]

*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number


Stages of gardening:

1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening


MUGGER: Empty your pockets

ME: Do I have to?


ME: [pulls out heart locket with pic of robber inside]

MUGGER: [wipes away single tear with his knife]


[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME


I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.


Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.


I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies