@clindsaysway

It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.

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@truegritrumble

ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no

@JoeBerkowitz

The worst part about killing baby hitler is when you come back and everyone says “who?” but you still killed a baby.

@BraandoCommando

[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?

@sofarrsogud

*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost

[He gets lost]

*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number

@Jamberee13

Stages of gardening:

1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening

@chuuew

MUGGER: Empty your pockets

ME: Do I have to?

MUGGER: NOW

ME: [pulls out heart locket with pic of robber inside]

MUGGER: [wipes away single tear with his knife]

@GrantTanaka

[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME

@Culprit7

I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.

@Carbosly

Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.

@House_Feminist

I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies