It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
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How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.