It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
You Might Also Like
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
If a snake ate a cake
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
asked my bf how work was today
My what?
Please do it!
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW