Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
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You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
does anyone know what to do if you carve a pumpkin that is too scary. i cant go in my kitchen
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
“…and I would’ve won if it weren’t for you meddling minorities, women, gays, young people…” – Mitt Romney #ScoobyDooVillain
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?