@EllaZee5

It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.

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@junejuly12

Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.

@squirrel74wkgn

[news anchor]

“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”

*wife changes channel*

@vvvolte

does anyone know what to do if you carve a pumpkin that is too scary. i cant go in my kitchen

@pilau

Murderer 1: well this is awkward

Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!

Murderer 1: how’s Carol?

Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-

Me: EXCUSE ME

@Gre_Gone

Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.

@elonjames

“…and I would’ve won if it weren’t for you meddling minorities, women, gays, young people…” – Mitt Romney #ScoobyDooVillain

@4ScoreN20Bowls

Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer

@kentgrossarth

I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.

@o__0Dev

Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?