*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
It would be so satisfying if I found out Enya’s last name is Face
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[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Me: Did you hear that?
Her: Go check it out
Me: Are You Crazy? They always kill the good looking people first
Her: You’ll be alright
I want to meet the individual who made this
GF looking at lines in carpet: Aww, you vacuumed for me?
Me: *flashback to me rollerblading in the living room* Sure did, babe.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
It’s easier to compliment a woman when you’re traveling with a toddler.
“Son, say hi to the beautiful lady with the piercing green eyes.”