@mydanimarie

It would be way cooler if whenever you punched a kid, a bunch of coins came out of them like in Mario. But ya, I’m free to babysit tonight.

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@DBMaxP

Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?

@MNateShyamalan

“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak

“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus

@EyeSeeYou619

ME: Since Tatooine has 2 suns shouldn’t Luke Skywalker cast 2 shadows?
GEORGE LUCAS:*pressing intercom* Security, she’s in the house again.

@markedly

My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.

@Ixwie

There’s really nothing worse than being forced to watch a video on someone else’s phone and having to pretend to laugh for 3 minutes.

@EliTerry

Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.

@mattytalks

I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy