we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
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Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
there’s probably a fee though