@kelkulus

It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”

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@AdriannaLaCervx

This whole “parenting a teenager” thing isn’t really working out. I’m going to tell him I just want to be friends.

@ch000ch

ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do

@Donna_McCoy

[first date]

Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*

Me: *gets up and leaves*

(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)

@Kyle_Raney

“I’d like to make a toast.”

– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family

@Brampersandon_

My dad could kick ur dads ass!

Um have u seen my dad

Hes a big guy huh?

No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back

@squirrel74wkgn

[at Doctor’s office]

“When’s the last time you had sex?”

Last night.

“With a male or female?”

Oh…with another person?

@trayofcheese

Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.

@FuckabillyRex

I gave my bus driver a copy of the play I wrote about a bus driver that falls in love with one of his passengers. And now we wait.