This whole “parenting a teenager” thing isn’t really working out. I’m going to tell him I just want to be friends.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
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ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
*gently runs finger down your cheek
*checks finger for dust
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
I gave my bus driver a copy of the play I wrote about a bus driver that falls in love with one of his passengers. And now we wait.