It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
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“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP: